It’s pumping furiously …. i can’t hear the words. The words in my head I’m thinking them but they’re so barely there. A glimpse of sunlight and I turn away with blood rising. Obvious pink stains my face , I can’t show it. What am I supposed to do now? I could pour these letters into words into something meaningful from my mouth like spinning twine into gold but it would fall into your ears like lead. Sink and twist into something despicable, I know those words would change for you.
We used to sing sing sing for eachother and twist our hearts into a smiling bursting joy. Something so cheesy and ridiculous but because it was simple to do I cherished it. Now because i can lie and I can pretend I’m better at enjoying life I know you’re too good for me because you can’t. Can’t lie that is and youre not dark like me. It’s sad to me but I’m glad that you’re good you’re sunshine you’re bright even if imaginations shallow eyes see you as a stain. Like a spilled cappuccino on a students perfect thesis and the words blotch and blend and we screech in anguish.. The lost hours the work but you aren’t the stain you’re the writings beside it. The rough draft of what we conceive to be the final copy. But where the unfinished sketch is we should praise. I see the beauty in the doodles in the margin.. Leaden scratches through words and letters.. Thoughts, ideas, opinion all reduced to fact in the final copy stand out with character in this students first writings. The writings that will be tossed away but they’re right they’re the original and they are you.
People say the jerk the thoughtless boy the rebel the one risking and making mistakes living wrong and failing in your attempt to be. For these people.. I cringe when they say things so wrongly. So foolish and un observed. Judging what kind of flower is gonna bloom when it will die why it’s in the wrong place and while you scrutinize we will nourish we will praise this seed until it grows and when it is beautifully finished it turns out to be a tree. A great flourishing oak stronger than any small flower could ever be and they were wrong about you because you will surpass all these judgements to be something great and better than your father was. You will not be the man that another man was. Never.
My head throws a million thoughts at me at you. I swear my eyes are billboards with tiny little lights splashing words across the screens and those words are everything I think and you’re reading and scoffing and ill blush again and look anywhere else but your eyes that I’ve only ever seen unlocked very few times. Maybe only one time when you were so hoping but you didn’t know I watched for your hope when you flashed your thoughts up into your heart through the sky in your eyes.
Everything is simple now I relate it to a sunflower maybe because they’re so happy like we pretend to be. Well I pretend but who knows what’s really going on maybe you don’t care but I know that really maybe you do. I know you think you must hide. A sunflower is like that you see the petals all sunny and tinged yellow yellow yellow like joy and lemons and good surprises distracting fluttering blooming. The center is dark it is hopeless it is so unsure hiding in the midst of this happiness and that’s what we remind me of is that and our friendship the past of it like a stringy stalk holds up this giant bloom of despair and confusion distraction and beautiful lovely hope.
.. I got confused when you got better than me and maybe now there’s a field of roses that are basic easy to love and gorgeously simple rather than this heady sunflower that’s ruining everything. I have nothing to offer I have nothing to say I’m not sure what you want or don’t want your stars are so much harder to see since this cloud has covered everything and even in the country we love I can’t barely see a single glowing star. Maybe they all died. Ill have to wait until morning I suppose I know every day is different. I’m very curious as to the color of the sky in the morning when I wake up ill go outside first thing and if it’s the right color ill smile.